Hearts
by Adali
Summary: Sanji's thoughts on his nakama. No pairing.


Title: Hearts  
Characters/Pairings: Sanji  
Rating: G  
An introspective Sanji piece that just ran away on me.

* * *

When he thinks about it… well, to be honest, when he thinks about it he doesn't know what to think. So mostly, he tries not to think about it, even though it's there everyday. Lurking at the edge of his vision, if you will. He doesn't want to say it haunts him, because that's just cheesy. It doesn't keep him up at night; and if it did, it was only that once. Or twice.

He tries to avoid it, but it's hard. Really hard. Because it's there everywhere he looks. The Going Merry isn't a big place, and it doesn't have a lot of people. Someone would notice if he avoided half the crew just to avoid thinking some uncomfortable thoughts.

They're uncomfortable, yes, but he's okay with that. He'd be more worried if he stopped thinking about it, because something would have happened, and he doesn't think anything good would make those uncomfortable thoughts go away. They've been there from the start, after all; hell, they were there even before, and he knew when he signed on that he'd have to deal with them every day. Maybe they were part of the reason he signed on. Now _there's_ an uncomfortable thought.

At the center of it all, in that calm eye in the middle of the storm where things are deceptive and so actually seem to make sense, that's where she sits. She's bright and shining and sparkling and oh, so deceptive, because that's the way she is and he loves that about her. He loves everything that she is, and he thinks he might love her too, but he knows he isn't in love with her. He's in love with a woman that's just like her, except that she isn't real. This real woman, the one he passes each day on the deck, the one he offers special treats and compliments to just to see her smile, he might not be in love with her but he does love her, and that simple fact has become a cornerstone of his life.

Maybe she loves him back. He thinks she does, but it's not a certainty the way his love for her is, because he knows she doesn't think she can love anyone. She doesn't seem to realize that love isn't about fancy declarations or sunsets and soft music or passionate embraces. He thinks that, if she tried, she would be capable of those things too, but he knows that her real love is different. If she loves you, she doesn't cry when you're hurt, because she trusts that you're strong enough to survive so that you'll always be there for her, just as she'll always be there for you. Even if she'll never say it.

She thinks that all that's just a part of being nakama, but he knows better. She doesn't cry over all of her nakama, doesn't worry when they face a fearsome opponent. She worries about her nakama, but if she loves you, she won't think anything of it when you stand before the devil for a battle to the death. Some people think she's a demon who doesn't care, but he thinks he knows the truth. If she loves you, she doesn't worry because she has a faith in you that's so strong and unyielding that she doesn't realize that it's possible you might lose. He wonders if it's actually that faith that has pulled them back from the brink of death so many times. He knows it's what makes them stand up and keep fighting when they ought to be dying.

Them… all of them, yes. He's not the only one she loves, he knows that. He knew that from the moment he met her, when he saw the way she looked at them, and they at her. These were men who would gladly go to hell for her, but not until after they had sent the rest of the world ahead of them to clear the path. If she felt the need, she would do the same for them, this girl who thinks she can't love anyone.

He thinks it's one of them that taught her to love, that took that frozen heart she thinks she still has and melted it with a single, brilliant smile. It's a smile that speaks the language of the heart, and the heart can hear it no matter how many walls you put up to try and protect it. It's a smile that bright and pure and guileless, and he knows that if anything could teach a frozen heart to love the way hers does, it would be that smile. It's the smile of a man who loves unreservedly, but for whom the word 'love' has no meaning. It belongs to a man who doesn't make any distinction between those he loves and those who keep him company. Perhaps, with a teacher like that, it should come as no surprise that she can't tell the difference either.

The other one is at once more complicated and so much simpler. He doesn't love unreservedly; he could probably count all those he ever loved on a single hand and have fingers left over. He might have faith that those he loves will survive and stay with him, but his hands still itch to protect them when they're in danger. He's lost someone, just like she has, but where her heart turned to ice, his turned to stone. It's a heart that can never be broken again, but which cannot be melted. Still, he thinks there might be something growing on it, or water running over it, something working to soften it slowly. He wonders if it's the smile, or the girl, or something else. He's a man that might once have thought of flowers and kisses and happily-ever-after's when he looked at her, but lost all of those and can now only think to keep her with him forever, if only in his heart. He's a man who knows enough to know he's a retard when it comes to love, but not enough to know that the love he has for her is all the love she can accept.

He loves both, he thinks, but while he'd died for them, he'd also die before he admitted it. He doesn't love them the way he loves her, but that's okay, because they don't love him the way they love her either. At first he was uncertain, wondering if he could ever find a place in that triangle the three of them had, where between them they had all they needed in the world. It seems like there was a spot for him after all, as confidant, friend, rival. Maybe it's uncomfortable at times, when they each realize that maybe there's more to it than that. Then again, it's always been that way, and maybe that's the way it needs to be. He thinks that they probably couldn't stand to know the full truth, wonders if they would survive the knowing of it, but it still needs to be there. For him, loving them has become a part of who he is; maybe it always was, and until he met them he just didn't know it.

When he thinks about it, and those thoughts make even enough sense for him to understand them himself, he knows he loves them, and that's why he'll fight the world to stay with them.


End file.
